Living in Grace
We live in a demanding world. Our world wants us to accomplish certain things, do certain things and even look certain ways. To some measure demands are good. There are things that mom and I “demand” of each other – kindness, respect, love, thoughtfulness, prayer, etc.. They are values we hold. Values we hope to model and in our home “”demand” or expect all of us to live by. Further, it is fair for an employer to demand certain things from me as an employee, the government demands certain things from me as a realtor, as a citizen, etc. BUT many demands in life are different – they are simply our own interpretation of the expectations of culture and others that we behave or live a certain way.
For example:
Constantly moving forward in our career – i.e. moving up the proverbial ladder
Constantly have a growing net worth – more money or investments each year
Being the most intelligent person in the room
Projecting a certain image of what success looks like – regardless of actual circumstances
Doing life in a certain order and at a certain pace
Projecting a “model” family life when instead there is deep pain and agony
Projecting happiness when there is pain
Projecting a healthy spiritual life… when it is a season of dryness and questions
Bottomline is if we allow ourselves too… we can be over run living up to the demands, expectations and image that culture sets for us. For me, this happened in my final years as National Director. Lot’s of people and organizations had ideas of what I needed to do, how to function, what not to do, where to be and when, etc. Few, other then family, ever asked me “How are you doing Doug.” In this season I pursued achievement. And achievement is good… it matters to me. BUT by the end of my time achievement was happening devoid of some other realities that matter more. SO bear with me… as we think about life and what is accomplished and as you think about who you are let me suggest trying to live in a Cycle of Grace (this is Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Lake’s term). Simply put… the Cycle of Grace has four components:
Acceptance – This means knowing that you are loved, cherished, accepted as is, and forgiven . It doesn’t mean others always approve of what you do or don’t do. It doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be hard conversations. BUT it does mean that God and your parents – to the best of our ability - will always love, cherish, accept you and our home will always be a place of new beginnings Once we are confident of this… we know who we are… a loved and cherished and accepted human being… we enter into the world pretty healthy people. Anything beyond this… is really icing. It’s a freeing way to live. And let me shout it to you – each of you are LOVED, CHERISHED AND ACCEPTED JUST AS YOU ARE – Your mom and dad love ya all like crazy!
Sustenance – Culture has an ever changing ability to drain or suck life out of us. SO all of us need to have ways that we regularly find sustenance for the inner life. It can be a lot of different things – being present with friends or family, solitude and silence, outdoor activities, sports, rest and sleep, food, walking and worship or serving others. Its just something that regularly feeds the soul and through which you are able to remember your cherished, loved and accepted. NOTICE in the things that provide true sustenance I never mentioned electronics, social media, etc.. All of these things are fun and can be a good part of life. But they don’t provide affirming sustenance. They don’t remind us of how loved, cherished and accepted we are… in fact they often only lead us to unrealistic expectations and feelings of shortcomings. Be careful in how much you live with these things. Anyhow, out of this well of life (sustenance) something happens… you begin to experience…
Significance – Our life begins to impact in a positive way those around us. Significance comes through both doing (in my case for example serving clients with kindness, and professionalism or helping my friends at the Shelter, etc.) and being. Just being me and each of you just being you. My quarks, my smile, my presence. Its me! It is my observation or hypothesis that the first half of life is often driven by significance from doing. I think for me the second half of life will have more significance from being. I would encourage all of us – to do good, find ways to serve but to also put an emphasis on simply being. Be you and be a person who leaves a mark far greater then what you do or accomplish… leave a mark by who you are. Be!
Accomplishment – As life goes on we do accomplish things – everyone does. The only question is do the accomplishments outlast us. The hope is that the more we have a sense of acceptance, a pattern of routine sustenance and a sense of significance we actually accomplish things that have results that matter, that last and that make a difference in peoples lives.
This has been a bit longer, again, but each of you matter so much to your mom and I. You have much to offer your friends, your communities, your world. What isn’t needed is another human… simply doing what the world tells us to do. What is needed in this world is people – like each of you who know who you truly are – loved, cherished and accepted, living in a sustainable way, fostering inner significance and accomplishing things that truly last. When this happens we will all be doing what Howard Thurman (a great Civil Rights leader of the late 1950’s) calls “living out the genuine in our life”. In other words we will be living out what and who we were created to be by God.
Love you all,
Dad
P.S. In this little ponder… I am not saying we should live absent of responsibility or unaware of consequences. There are certain things demanded of us that we just have to do. If I don’t pay the water bill no one is having a shower. If I never go to the dentist, someday I will likely have no teeth. 😊
